On which I return, due to ADD symptoms

I'm back. See me on Tumblr.

I want to quit my RA job.

Reasons why:

1. Get normal life back.
2. Get friends back.
3. Fewer homework distractions.
4. The bureaucracy infuriates me.
5. Worrying about getting caught for something small and insignificant.
6. Less stress.
   

Reasons not to:

1. Money. I have no other source of income.
2. Money. Scholarships help parents pay for myself and sister to go to expensive colleges.
3. I genuinely like my residents.
4. Looks good to grad schools? Maybe? eh.
   
5. I like the idea of having power.
6. If I keep my job, I won't have to shake up my lifestyle.
7. SINGLE ROOM.
8. Automatic source of friends. Were I to quit, I'd have to make new ones.
   

Looks like I won't be quitting.

I don't know how to feel more like a student than an RA. I can't focus on my work; my job consumes me. EVERYTHING I do has something to do with it.

I need a vacation. Or better yet, to just go home.

Maybe now I'll get some work done.

karate.

Doug said it, I've got a black belt in him but he's got a yellow belt in me. To say that I did violence to myself in order to 'catch' him would be a huge overstatement. More like, built a few walls. But now, i'm happy to say I'm happy to start bringing them down. I think it's dumb, but I know a lot of this has to do with making sure I don't fall in head first again and land on my neck. Which is why I'm able to let him fall head first, while I keep an eye out for footholds. I guess I want to make sure we both don't have the experience I did, emotionally. NOt that that's likely to happen. I think I realize how serious this could be, so I want to make sure that everything'll turn out okay. I'll analyze until there's nothing left to analyze. And I hope he'll also be able to pick me up out of my analyzing and just enjoy everything, too. :)

but we'll see what happens.

On which i return, due to insomnia.

Nights with insomnia make me wonder.

Tonight's topic: my future.

I have no idea where I'm going, or what I want to do. My laziness makes me fear failing at everything.

There's also this sneaky voice in my head that keeps 'reminding' me that "you know, you really shouldn't even be here." As in, I should have given into my thoughts and fears a few years ago. As if, that's how things were 'supposed' to go. My response is generally Fuck you. That's one accomplishment, I survived high school and middle school. Yay me. I'm not sure anyone knows how much of an accomplishment that is. My own private war, all that's left of it are a few scallywags that bitch and moan, but don't do anything else.

I want to write a story, a short story, but its slow going. I've got a theme, though - Existential Crisis: What the character thought/held dear/believed in/etc. is proven moot, and is forced to grapple with a problem. Should he choose a solution based on his previous 'morality'? The present, 'real' new world? His own desires? Or maybe refuse to choose at all, and just let things be as they are. The "no answer" answer. Hmmm....I like that one. Maybe I WILL write a story.

someday.

Ugh. What am I good at? Eh. Screw this. I can't take considering the pointlessness and short sightedness of my future. Damn the fog, damn my near sightedness. On to other problems.

I have communication issues. The easiest and biggest example of this is my relationship with the boyfriend. Oh, don't worry, things are good. As good as it can be, doing the distance thing. We talk nearly every night, even if it's only fifteen minutes and telling each other what we did today. I figure even if we do that for a week, at least we're still talking and things will be okay. But like today, we actually had a decent conversation for a bit. It was awesome. I miss really talking to him. But I tangent. Anywho. For some reason, I've realized that part of me is still the shy kid I once was. The one that doesn't like speaking up.

And I forget where I was going. Or, actually, I didn't forget, I just decided taht I'll leave most of thsi to my private musings. No need to air the laundry in public.

But to wrap up, the important thing is I'm working on it, and I know I can talk to him about anything I want because he'll listen to me. And I think that's probably the best thing he can do for me now. (In case you're reading, good job hon. :) )

One thing I find funny, is that Meyers Briggs says our personalities are very good for each other. ha. we'll see what happens.

UGh. I hate the future. too many variables, and i'm not ready for any of them on any level. MEh.

End of the semester note

Dear Diary,

I guess this one should be monumental or something, because I'm halfway finished with my undergrad. But it won't be, at least, right now I don't think I have anything profound to write. I almost didn't write one, but then I realized that I actually did do one last semester, so I really owe it to myself to keep up the tradition.

If last year was sunshine and meadows, this year was rainstorms and mountains. It wasn't entirely pleasant, but there was a lot of good. If I'm going to be honest in figuring out what I've learned, it's not going to be sugary and nice. I've seen a few catastrophes and tragedies, through my eyes and others. The world didn't end, but it seemed like it came close a few times. This may not be all nice, but I'm going to slog through it, so I can look back next year and remind myself of it.

First, if things go bad, really bad, then panic and crying never solves or helps the problem. What makes it better are calmness, compassion and decisiveness. There will, and should, be a time for crying. It's therapeutic, and we all need at least someone we can cry on.

I love my friends dearly, even if we grow apart. And by grow apart, I mean make decisions and do things that really piss each other off. What I decided last year about love still holds true: if you decide to love someone, to really love them, that never turns off. Your affection may go away, but your love won't. If it does, I really think that you either never really loved them to begin with, or don't understand what that is really about. I love my friends, and we've all definitely 'grown apart' this year. But I'm still pretty sure, nah, certain, that in the clutch they would be there for me. I guess that's what it's really about. Along the same lines, I know I do things that really annoy/concern/piss off/anger/frustrate some of my friends. But I'm selfish in that I'm okay with that. :-) For the first time, I feel like I don't have to be 'allowed' to do something, and that I can trust that my friends will still love me even if I go date an atheist or bemoan the god squad. This is a very, very good feeling. I know I'm lucky.

Speaking of Doug, he's definitely one of the better things that has happened this year. For better or for worse, he's been there to make me laugh and cry on and argue with and just be there when everyone else is doing other things. He makes me happy.

So what else...

~Procrastination will kill me. Next year WILL get better. Maybe.

~Drinking is overrated. Getting shwasted = bad. Having a beer while watching awesome comedies = good.

~Tumblr is addicting.

~Two end of the year hugs are the best thank you an RA can get.

~Band is dying, but I'm like Dr. House. I WILL find a solution.

~Band without Klunk is dark and sad.

~New Jersey's not too bad, but I still prefer Washington.

~It's good to be nice to important looking people in ties when you're in the RA work room. Mr. Important knows my name and talks to me on campus, but I have no idea who he is. Building committee?

~I desire to invest in a better wardrobe. I'm going to be a real person in a few years, and I'd like to look like one! Plus my jeans all have holes in conspicuous places...

~Go out and do something, and if in the middle of doing it you discover you're bound to fail, finish it with your all just to say you did. It might even turn out okay. Just don't do it more than once.

~Many people are surprisingly good, but many can also be really annoying.

~Gossip is bad, even when it seems harmless. It's ALWAYS better to just keep your damn mouth shut.

~I'm not as naive, but I'm still in that camp. And I like it that way.

~Communication is important.

~Cave your pride. It's good for you and will often get you the help you need.

Next year looks brilliant. I've got high hopes, and a better understanding of how things might turn out. Enjoy your summers, my friends. For now, I have a job to find and a road trip to plan.

Until August,

Katelyn

hmph.

And so now I'm home. I smell tasty things being cooked downstairs. A comprehensive account of this semester shall follow shortly.

Nostalgia

See what happens when I write a post like my last one? My world implodes. But more on that later.

I started facebook stalking the old crowd today. The Camas Kids. The Camas Band Nerds. I miss them. :P

David, Chris, Kristie, Kyann...Nate...Chad(ley) and Brent(alope)...

What is this, the last year before people go off, graduate for reals and become legit adults? Yep.

The curse of having a four year spread.

In my memory this was better than it actually was. Or maybe I just didn't appreciate it then.

I'm hankering for a stargazing night. Or a Rimsky's run. Or a Portland Adventure.

I really could care less....or at least, that's where it looks like i"m heading.

I've been spending too much time on Tumblr.

I'm thinking about turning in early and then waking up and studying for greek. I'm really just on burn out. Dr. Sollenburger really shouldn't have told us that we only have two more classes, and then the final. I'm really close to just not caring. Oh, and I might get a C in modciv. Me being the idiot completely missed the boat on the 1-2pt 'questions' we were supposed to turn in with every reading. Oh well. Like I said, I'm teetering on burnout.

I really would like to go home. Like, really. But I'd rather not leave Doug for three months. Bah. But right now a recharge away from school for a long time almost seems worth it.

Ugh, I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I have no motivation or overreaching 'goal' to go for. I do know that I really don't like having tension and stress and a million demands put on me. Which makes me wonder if my slight interest in religious life is just based on my perception that I wouldn't have to worry about that anymore. Which also makes me think that I'm not motivated or self driven enough and too lazy, which makes me wonder if maybe I'm not supposed to be here. But I know that's stupid.

Yeah, so I really don't have anything interesting to say.

I do feel like I'm missing a sense of permanance that I had previously. I really don't like change, in case you can't tell. I can deal with it, but it doesn't make me happy. I kinda feel like the only people who are going to last in my life are my family. I don't mean that everyone else is expendable, but more like...I shouldn't get too attached, because they're going to leave soon anyway, maybe not tomorrow, but they're going to leave and I"m going to feel bad, and I really have an aversion to that. Part of me thinks tht it's residue from the Derek crap I went through last year. Probably is, seeing as I can't really pinpoint anything else. But part of me also thinks that it's a self fulfilling prophesy, that if I don't let myself get thoroughly attached people are more likely to leave. So i don't know. It's lonely, but at least it doesn't hurt, ya know?

I need to get better at communicating.

So yeah. For now I guess I'm just going to do what I can to survive these next two weeks and then go home and see what happens from there.